hope dangles on a string

I'm sitting here. In my dorm room. In the middle of New York. Writing my first update in over a year.

So much has changed. I've changed. My friends have changed. our lives have changed.

And then I find myself encountering things that don't change. As much as I wish they did. Or, thought I did. But the truth is, I don't want that to change at all.

so,

can we just review how much of a bitch i feel like right now?

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

just a quick update to express my happiness with the decay of my long existent writers block, i just cranked out three pieces of writing in the last 24 hours and that makes me happy. i might actually be able to put together a portfolio for this thing i'm working on, which i didn't anticipate being able to do. woo

AND christmas is in 7 days.

that is all

ewww i hate being an emotional eater. you know, 'turning to food' when you're stressed or upset etc etc. its gross. i think i've probably gained like 15 pounds this w/end. ewwwww. i want to get up before school tomorrow + run on the treadmill. maybe i will, it will make me feel better.


i was going to update but ill save it for tomorrow, too much work to do.

Michael Strickland: Cornell University, Class of 2009

CONGRATS!!!

I drove over today right before he found out haha it was great. I was so nervous/excited for him all week. Finally at like 458 we went upstairs with the entire family ( + zoe) and we tried to log in a few times but it was before 5. So we watched the computer clock count down and he logged in wicked fast and the screen loaded from top to bottom so that he saw the " congrats" before the rest of us and we meshed into like a huge group hug for 5 minutes and mrs strickland was like screaming and crying and then we all were and it was the greatest feeling- haha if it was that good of a feeling for me, imagine how good it was for him?

i'm so proud of you michael!

i'm so emotionally drained right now. if you want to see detailed accounts before i update tomorrow, see Innocent_words or dojo24m.

all i can say is that i never imagined that the last five years of field hockey would end....and they did. i love you all forever and always- don't ever forget that

theres so many things i want to,
need to
write about.

but time robs me of that release once again. so we'll sum it up real quick and i'll expand later.

my parents are constantly on my case. " you need more sleep". don't we all? do they think thats in my control? i think they need to leave me alone and let me do my own thing. i've been sacraficing some sleep to focus on more important things and i've been doing a pretty damn good job of it. so untill i have a legit issue they should essentially worry about themselves. part of me being independent means them not meddling in the midst of my affairs.
which is a nice way of saying, leave me the fuck alone.

i want to give so much of myself to other people. i want to always, always be available and ready for whenever the people i love need me. i want to hear their laugh, and listen to them cry, and know in the end that i've helped them in one way or another. and i feel like i haven't been doing that, that i can't do that, and thats the most horrible feeling in the world....being helpless. i'm not used to watching things happen. thats what i've become- sometimes everything gets so crazy that the only thing i can do is watch. and it kills me. it absolutely kills me. and i'm so sorry.

woooooooooooooo my sat scores went up!!!

" The last few years of my life have been wide awake
nightmares of conflicting emotions, and no matter
how bad things got, or how much i wanted to give up, there was one thing that always kept me going. That was us...our bond...our connection. It made me feel like I wasn't alone...like I could lean back and know that I would never fall. For the first time in my life, I'm not feeling that connection. And that scares me."-RW

we essentially lost the TVL crown last night.

how dissapointing.

it also occured to all nine of the seniors that it was the last time we would play holliston....ever.

this is my last rotation through the TVL....ever.

thats so upsetting- especially since I won't play in college. I'm not good enough...definetly intramural and club at best but it won't be the same.

i love field hockey and my chicks with sticks!!! ahh i never want it to end <3.

as for now, i need to go kick some westwood ass and make a statement to holliston that we are coming back for a vengance- not for one minute should they think that they are safe.

oh ps, its cassandra anns birthday on monday. the big 18! i looove you.

And this damp air it's fighting my defroster.
My sighs they ring victorious and fog this tinted glass.
And it's clouded and so is my head.
The hint of these new tears are sharp I try to choke them back.
But it's useless. I am useless against them.
They are beating me with ease.



On the way home
this car hears my confessions
I think
tonight
I'll take
the long way
home.

its been awhile....

game versus ashland was complete bullshit. enough said, i dont want to get into it.

we schooled bham.

HUGE game thursday @ 7- come ifyou want to wreck havoc,.

uhhh was gonna hang out with andy and liz friday but plans got 'fed up.

today i did a whole bunch of nothing except for run- 4.5 miles, it felt awesome. i dont get to do much distance running anymore, its the first time i ran that since the summer. running de-stresses me so much.

babysat for the welchs + murphys tonight: yes together. Welcome to: Hannah and Connor, age 5, Caroline and Emily, age 3, and Patrick, age one. It was intense. I love patrick. Hes adorable. I got paid 100$ for 6 hours so i'm not complaining.

i guess our shopping expedition got cancelled tomorrow, so I'll crack down on all the shizzle i have to do

sorry for the uneventfulness of this entry- its late, im tired/bored, and dont feel like getting into everything thats running through my head. i hope it rains tomorrow- i love rainy fall days =)

woooooooo

good mood today =)

i was productive in respect to the amount of time i had to work with today. even managed to run on the treadmill- i had a laughing attack, while i was running andjimmy was watching the sox w. me in the basement, i had to stop the treadmill for a minute because i was laughing so hard i couldnt breathe....laughing over nothing. it was awesome.

my only discrepancy is that i have a serious overeating issue, hahaha which became pronounced after dinner this evening. along with the fact that i've gained back all the weight i lost over the summer. but even THAT can't put me out of my mood- which means that this mood is insanely out of control. its okay i had a pep talk with myself and we decided that we'er gonna get on that asap and not resemble a bear straight out of hibernation during mealtime.hahaha.

AND, we have a game vs ashland tomorrow @ 7!!!!! you best be there- i know our superfans will- i love you guys!

filling out some apps now, thats about it.

good stuff coming this weekend- hanging w. andy on friday and taking the boys shopping on saturday. i'm pumped =)

why are rainy days always better than the sunny ones?

michael, adam, gib, nikki , p roche, anthony, cassandra, page: <3 you for last night- too much fun.

i need to hang out with liz andy rob and kirsten, and chris and the other SJ boys again- i'm sorry i left early <3.



sometimes, all you can do is smile. =)

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it ok
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins

Let me be empty and weightless

I ended the last entry with every intention of finishing my thoughts- but after further reflection I decided that I really didn't want to. Things left to interpretation always hold more meaning to an individual than slapping your own label onto your words...after all, ' to each his own'. When you're writing, you want to capture your readers interest and hold it- and when this means that they can tweak your words to make it apply to their own life, you have essentially a universal audience- a condition not highly concieveable, true, but leaving things open to be pondered creates a more suitable envorionment for an overall thought provoking affect.

Another reason I'm not going to elaborate on my last entry is articulated PERFECTLY in part of a poem Nikki presented in english...:

We underestimate the damage
done to the sky
when we allow words
to slip away
into the clouds." -Viggo Mortensen

It continues on and ends with this perfect line about having a bee darting so not to stick to your half open mouth- i dont have it with me, ill put the complete version in tomorrow. not only is it an absolutely beautiful poem, it pretty much sums up my thought process. Those of you who read my journal regularly know that I often write almost subconciously, without much regard to what i'm saying, and alot of times you'll return the next morning to find that I had deleted the entry, saying that I didn't really mean what I said. Sometimes this is true. Othertimes, its for multiple other reasons...for one, the fact that nobody likes to see their own admittances in writing- something about printed thoughts...so concrete, so definite and sure of themselves...almost makes it seem like if you tried to change your mind, the words could physically stop you from doing so. For another, I don't really like to dig deep and expose what I'm really feeling- I don't like to share alot, nor do I think its necessary all the time. I think having your own thoughts, and keeping them locked away almost provides a comfort sometimes. Knowing that your not totally exposed to the world provides a sense of security you can't recreate after you've laid your heart out on the table. Say that I'm afraid of being hurt, vulnerable- whatever you want to call it, and I wouldn't deny that statement. Because I've done that too many times before, actually, repeatedly, and always found that I trust too easily...slight problem, huh? The irony of the matter is that I'm probably the biggest advocate of trust and being open in the world, in fact, i encourage it if not harass you about it- just ask michael. I know that having that place in your mind where you can disappear among hidden thoughts isn't the best way to be calm or happy, but its working out well for me right now. I'm working on it, don't you worry.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand...which I've lost at this point because I'm too involved in alot of other thoughts...I think I was trying to make the point that at this point, that entry is best left to remain unfinished. I'll go back and finish it someday when I feel comfortable enough writing what I intended. As for now......finish my thoughts for me whatever way you'd like. Who am I to tell you how to travel the paths through your mind?

Things Change. Go back in your archive and read what you posted 6 months - one year ago. Then, repost that entry. Make sure to comment.

March 15, 2004
07:29 pm
hahah i dont really have time to update but i was just thinking about jazz band last night and it made me smile.
" austin is a temptress"
"....i have three chromosomes"
<3<3 jazz band.
im such a tool.
my pictures came in today- horrible, but funny nonetheless.
and im a happy camper, because im going to northport for the three day weekend. and there is nothing else i can ask for because that is my favvvvvvvorite thing in the wholeeeeeeee world
******************************************************************
September 30, 2003

05:21 pm - and i can't believe it's so hard just to talk to you, and you don't understand
today was one of those days.

liz and i are running away together. so if you don't see us in school tomorrow morning, 'nuff said. haha although we don't know where, or how- hahahaha. its all good. word and pound.

A dashboard song will suffice for the rest of my entry..

I should not be surprised.
I should have seen it sooner.
Expect me to apologize
for the things that you've done wrong,
while you're inciting others.
you're owning up to nothing
and I wish that I was gone
cause you're not going anywhere.

And this damp air, it's fighting my defroster.
My sighs they ring victorious and fog is tinted glass,
it's clouded and so is my head.
The hint of these new tears are sharp.
I try to choke them back
but it's useless,
I'm useless against them.

/dbc.
Current Music: Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog
Current Mood: contemplative
****************************************************************

oh wow. those brought back some good ones. especially that september one. wow. haha i want to go back and live that one.....not possible, huh?

actually, i lied in the title of this entry. I'm starting with friday.

after school was finally over, I went to the library and talked with nik ash and marcus, then drove down to the field. We played a pretty good game- much better than expected, but still not quite up to par. We did dominate though which is fun, and ended up tying. Thanks to adam dj mike and tiff and nic who came to watch. After showing up to the volleyball game after it ended, the aforementioned plus shannon hove proche and mike page headed over to shannons house. watched animal house, was a good time.

saturday i got up and ran the three mile teresa run, came home, practiced piano and worked on some college ish, showered, and went to run errands with irene. Picked up my senior pictures which were absolutely heinous. I think im going to use some of the hilton ones because theres only one decent one from morins. Thaaats unfortunate.I'm over it, but its kinda upsetting that I only have one pose out of 20 haha. then i went to buy multiple birthday presents since nikki gib and djs birthday are all within the next week, adn then it was off to boston with nikki shan laur hove and tiff for nikkis birthday. went to newbury street and i bought a really pretty shirt from express. ridiculously overpriced, but i like it. although i hate overspending, so I am in pain haha. We ate at the most amazing restaurant, ever. On the way home we called to sing happy bday to dj b/c we were late to his surprise party. went back to nikkis, cake+ presents, i stole one of her pairs of shorts and we went to djs. sang him happy birthday, and i loved the george W cutout that hove and mari gave him hahahaha i thought it was real. michael carried me around the room and threw me around and i thought i was going to puke. i shouldve....on him. after i almost got pulled in the hottub in my whiteshirt like 15 times, i borrowed a bathing suit from julie and returned downstairs to find that everyone had gotten out, hahahahaa. so gib jumped in with me because i love him, and it worked out. tiff took me home- actually, brent drove tiffs car and took us home haha.

today i worked on college stuff. boring and unneccesary to put in here.

now that thats done, i can get back to normal updates. woot woooo....

those will come later.

<3, e.